As I Lie Awake in Bed.

27 Sep

Something occurred to me last night as I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep. I realized that here at university, nobody calls me “Jazz”. They all call me “Jasmine”. This fact on it’s own is as unremarkable as they come, but it’s implications make it downright terrifying.

You see, in elementary school, I generally went by “Jazzy” sometimes “Jazz” or “Jasmine” but usually “Jazzy”. By high school most people called me “Jazz”. “Jasmine” seems so formal, so grown up. I like my name, but I’m used to it being shortened. There’s a part of me (the rational part) that says “Calm down, it’s just that people don’t yet know you well enough to call you by a short form. Sooner or later you’ll be “Jazz” again.” But there’s another part of me that thinks this could be the end of the Jazz era. Theres more to a name then the number of syllables it contains. Using my full name is such a grown up thing to do. And that’s the part that scares me. I don’t want to be a grown up! I don’t want to pay bills and worry about cholesterol and wear sensible shoes! I want to be young! I want to learn things and make mistakes, and fall in love, and get messy, and sing loud and be adventurous! It’s such a little thing, but it brings such big things to mind, and those big things scare me.

I do want to grow up. Just not yet.

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One Response to “As I Lie Awake in Bed.”

  1. Jasmine October 2, 2010 at 6:41 pm #

    Someone called me Jazz today. Life is good. 🙂 Love you girls and miss you bunches!

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