Archive | November, 2010

I just need to get this out.

28 Nov

Warning: possible overdramatic statements ahead.

I am lost, for what to do and in trying to make sense of what is going through my brain and through my heart.

I feel like I lose part of myself when I leave him.

I feel so vulnerable, like I’ve made the mistake in trusting someone, in opening up to someone… but I just can’t stop. I want to take it back, because I am afraid. I’m so afraid of whatever might happen.

I am so afraid he doesn’t feel the same, and that fact makes me feel even more lost and alone.

he ruins everything. I get by and things distract me, but when I see him again everything is turned upside down and my heart literally aches…

I am afraid of losing him. Is this okay? Is it just me clinging onto anything that gives me the least bit of attention? is my love real? (or whatever you want to call it) is it just out of my need, or is it genuine?

I don’t know why this all devastates me so much. I mean it’s only a boy… But it feels so much more then the usual crush, the usual week long crush. It’s been way longer than a week thats for sure. And whenever I think I am okay with everything, and God has shown me that we just need to be friends, I get knocked over again. Is God cool with this? Is he allowing this to happen? Or am I selfishly just wanting this and that’s why it keeps coming back?

Why does it keep coming back? Why can’t I just get over it and be done with it?

What is going on?

signed,

lost and confused, but okay.

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